Thursday, March 15, 2007
RECOVERY STAGE & memories
i dunno how to start but well, keeping things in my hearts seems to slow me down alot.
20/02/2007 mum passed away, 11:50am ... when i just woke up from a dream with mum saying good bye to me... sadness filled my heart as if a a million ton have been tied to my heart that sunk me down greatly into in the endless depth of the ocean. My heart and life have been shattered, as if a trillion people stomping on it that can never end. i feel so sad i never get to speak to mum since january, i wanna cry but i dunno how...
everyday for that period of time i school, i worked, and i went over to the hospice to take care of mum, massage her cos she loves my massage the most, kiss her goodnite and good morning, feed her. but now fuck it , fuck everything!!!
i carn do them anymore.
all these days no matter how strong am i, i keep on thinking of the past. Not the happy times, but the times i made her sad, cry and worried for me. i can never forget how i shouted at mum till she broke down and cry face to face. i can never forget how i shout at her on the fone till she cried none stop. i can never forget the times when i focused too much on basketball, work, polo and studies till i din managed to fork out the time to visit mum and make her happy... she's always so sad that i wasn't there to accompany her, she was always so sad when the adults scolded me for not visiting mum. MUM told me before to do what i need to do because she understand but deep down in her heart she was feeling a sadness that none could feel. MUM i really do miss u, i'm always thinking of you, i'm always regret that i couldn't spend time with you properly and happily.
after mum passed away the entire wake and funeral, i was slping next to her coffin, burning joss paper for her, pray to her, look at her in the coffin. she looked so sad. MUM i'm really sorry for what i have done. i wanna hear your voice again so badly, so so so badly mum. i wanna see your smses " my darling son are u ok? wan meet ? mummy loves and misses u alot." but i always forgot to reply her sms or either replied i'm busy... i wan mum to cook for me herbal tea which i have always hated, i wanna mum to nag at me to eat well slp well, work less, take care of my health, mum i wanna take the bus with u, and stroll thru the beach which u always love. mum pls come back. mummy i really cannot bear to leave u. i promise i will never show my temper again.\Life never seem the same again, i feel so lonely without mummy, i bet da ge and diane feel the same way. damn i', tearing like a baby man. so stupid and childish.
24/02/2002 mum was cremated,, before that i was consoling everyone not to cry becos mum dislike ppl to cry cos she feels so sad... after she was cremated, after i walked out... i cried so badly... really badly... mummy i will mis u so much u noe...
when i was at the wake i could feel and dream mum wanna talk to me, take care of me. i knew mum was there for me seeing me slp... till now i still carn slp...
alot of people offer their time to accompany me and have a chat with them, it's not i dun wan ppls .. it's just that it seems so hard for me to talk about anything.
indochine sux, work over there sux. But mum wish was for me to do well in life, i will stay on so as to fulfil her wish.
mummy i love u... the 3 of us love u dearly...
loves desmond matthew
cai jie ming
.........
........... . . . . . . . . . . .
i dunno how to start but well, keeping things in my hearts seems to slow me down alot.
20/02/2007 mum passed away, 11:50am ... when i just woke up from a dream with mum saying good bye to me... sadness filled my heart as if a a million ton have been tied to my heart that sunk me down greatly into in the endless depth of the ocean. My heart and life have been shattered, as if a trillion people stomping on it that can never end. i feel so sad i never get to speak to mum since january, i wanna cry but i dunno how...
everyday for that period of time i school, i worked, and i went over to the hospice to take care of mum, massage her cos she loves my massage the most, kiss her goodnite and good morning, feed her. but now fuck it , fuck everything!!!
i carn do them anymore.
all these days no matter how strong am i, i keep on thinking of the past. Not the happy times, but the times i made her sad, cry and worried for me. i can never forget how i shouted at mum till she broke down and cry face to face. i can never forget how i shout at her on the fone till she cried none stop. i can never forget the times when i focused too much on basketball, work, polo and studies till i din managed to fork out the time to visit mum and make her happy... she's always so sad that i wasn't there to accompany her, she was always so sad when the adults scolded me for not visiting mum. MUM told me before to do what i need to do because she understand but deep down in her heart she was feeling a sadness that none could feel. MUM i really do miss u, i'm always thinking of you, i'm always regret that i couldn't spend time with you properly and happily.
after mum passed away the entire wake and funeral, i was slping next to her coffin, burning joss paper for her, pray to her, look at her in the coffin. she looked so sad. MUM i'm really sorry for what i have done. i wanna hear your voice again so badly, so so so badly mum. i wanna see your smses " my darling son are u ok? wan meet ? mummy loves and misses u alot." but i always forgot to reply her sms or either replied i'm busy... i wan mum to cook for me herbal tea which i have always hated, i wanna mum to nag at me to eat well slp well, work less, take care of my health, mum i wanna take the bus with u, and stroll thru the beach which u always love. mum pls come back. mummy i really cannot bear to leave u. i promise i will never show my temper again.\Life never seem the same again, i feel so lonely without mummy, i bet da ge and diane feel the same way. damn i', tearing like a baby man. so stupid and childish.
24/02/2002 mum was cremated,, before that i was consoling everyone not to cry becos mum dislike ppl to cry cos she feels so sad... after she was cremated, after i walked out... i cried so badly... really badly... mummy i will mis u so much u noe...
when i was at the wake i could feel and dream mum wanna talk to me, take care of me. i knew mum was there for me seeing me slp... till now i still carn slp...
alot of people offer their time to accompany me and have a chat with them, it's not i dun wan ppls .. it's just that it seems so hard for me to talk about anything.
indochine sux, work over there sux. But mum wish was for me to do well in life, i will stay on so as to fulfil her wish.
mummy i love u... the 3 of us love u dearly...
loves desmond matthew
cai jie ming
.........
........... . . . . . . . . . . .
friendsforever;
3:34 AM
3:34 AM